# Cutting Back on One Toxic Behavior Will Change Your Entire Life ## You do it a dozen times a day, without even realizing. ![[One Toxic Behavior to Cut Back On__1-wR9MUWUu0tBEDy8L-bWV5A.1.jpeg]] ![[One Toxic Behavior to Cut Back On__1-wR9MUWUu0tBEDy8L-bWV5A.jpeg]] Photo by [Alex Iby](https://unsplash.com/@alexiby?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText) on [Unsplash](https://unsplash.com/@alexiby?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText) There’s plenty of ways to ruin your own life. But it all starts with something we do all the time — complaining. It’s downright addictive. We complain [once a minute](https://medium.com/the-mission/how-complaining-rewires-your-brain-for-negativity-96c67406a2a), according to some studies. Others clock us at 12 to 13 major complaints a day. We know we’re not supposed to. But we do it anyway, because it’s so easy. And it feels _really_ good. A little venting keeps us sane. But we all know when someone starts to go overboard. They spend more time complaining than actually doing anything that would get them somewhere in life. Complaining starts a chain reaction that’s hard to reverse: 1. You stress yourself out. 2. You stop enjoying your work. 3. You struggle to relax (or even sleep). 4. You get less and less done. 5. You feel unproductive (because you _are_). 6. You make yourself feel better by complaining. 7. You drive everyone away. 8. Your old, calm self slowly erodes. 9. You feel lonely. 10. You complain (again). Complaining does more than make us unproductive pains to deal with. It damages our brains and hinders our ability to solve problems. It crushes our creativity. The [consensus](https://www.fastcompany.com/3040672/why-complaining-may-be-dangerous-to-your-health) among researchers is clear: Nothing kills our chances of success like our own attitude. ## You don’t need positive thinking It’s not enough to [brainwash yourself](https://forge.medium.com/the-cure-for-toxic-positivity-155278b7daaa) with affirmations. That does just as much damage, for one simple reason: You’re still not doing anything concrete to change your reality. Superficial positivity mantras only set us up for harder failures. It doesn’t matter how many comedians like Jim Carrey wrote a check to themselves for $5 million. [Copying](https://forge.medium.com/stop-copying-your-heroes-e057637be55e) their moves won’t help you. We’ve all heard the gratitude trick. When you feel nasty about life, sit down and make a list of things you’re grateful for. It’s not a bad idea. But this also won’t solve your actual problems. What will? ## Find out what’s actually wrong There’s a productive way to complain. Guy Winch explains it in _The Squeaky Wheel_. Figure out your biggest and most immediate challenges, and how to address them. Here’s what he recommends: 1. Don’t complain about something unless you honestly want a solution. 2. When you complain, do it to someone who can help you. 3. Focus on what’s wrong, and what you want to happen. 4. Put a timer on your vent sessions. Life comes with all kinds of minor irritations. We let them slide when we feel aligned with the world. If you constantly rehearse a long list of slights and injustices, then you’re just distracting yourself. ## Come up with a better plan It’s fine to get pissed off — at pretty much anyone and anything. You just can’t stay that way. No problem on earth was solved by complaining. In fact, it’s the _least_ effective way to deal with inequality and injustice. Imagine if the suffragists had just sat around complaining. Your problems don’t need affirmations. They need a plan, and a little patience. Carol Dweck describes this kind of attitude in her book, _Mindset: The New Psychology of Success_: 1. Focus on continual improvement and change. 2. Learn to see talent as developed over time, not gifted. 3. Either embrace failure, or learn to see it as temporary. 4. Seek out adversity. Look for challenges and obstacles. 5. Make yourself feel better by learning something new. The people who complain the most are usually the ones doing the least to get better at their craft. They fall in love with [struggle porn](https://medium.com/@nateliason/no-more-struggle-porn-202153a01108), but they don’t learn anything from their failures. If they’re not wallowing in self pity, or starting fights with the top talents in their field, they’re wallpapering their minds with cheap aphorisms. We can do better. ## Remember what you’re good at Sometimes, the problems aren’t just in your head. It really _is_ that bad. And yet, you have limited control at best. Your boss could, in fact, completely suck at his job. So could _his_ boss. My university recently fired 6 upper administrators, including our head guy. There certainly were times this past year when I felt completely screwed, by someone else’s incompetence. When things get _that_ bad, try this: 1. Figure out what you can’t control. 2. Focus on what you can. 3. Keep doing what you’re good at. 4. Get better at something else. If it helps, you can journal. Sometimes it’s important to note who and what you can count on, and who and what you can’t. Don’t do this simply to complain, or bemoan your state in life. Use it to inform your plan, even if your plan is finding a better job. ## Sometimes you just fake it You might have good reason to loathe a boss or coworker. Maybe you’re not looking forward to that one part of your vacation. Guess what? You have to play well with others. You can’t speak your mind _all the time_. Nobody can afford to develop a toxic reputation. So even if you feel like complaining, think twice. Make sure you’re in the kind of space that allows you to air your grievances. The phrase “grin and bear it” exists for a reason, and it’s time for us to stop pretending we’re on a reality show. Not every shitty little thing that happens to us warrants a YouTube rant. ## Make yourself lighter Let’s be honest, we’re all going to complain later today — maybe even five minutes from now. You might as well tell someone to stop breathing. We just need to try and complain less. We need to complain with purpose. We need to complain once, and then get on with our lives. We need to stop turning our friends and loved ones into scratching posts. You’re allowed to get angry. You’re allowed to use sarcasm. You’re allowed to share bad news, and talk about your frustrations and disappointments. You’re even allowed to keep stumbling over your own indignity and outrage. Know what else? You’re allowed to just let it go.